This is a story of a girl who didn't know who she was and to my surprise I still don't know who she is.
I do have I pay forward because just couple days ago my world changed. I watch a HLN all the time. This is one lady on the network that has inspired me to change. Never met her in person couple of tweets here and there. I was watching a show is no longer on the that network and I heard her story. I heard her first talk about how she escaped in life of abuse and I've watched her for years and my thought was how she get there I want to be there. She wrote a book called "Love isn't supposed to hurt" and I've fought for months on whether or not I was going to buy it. On Friday I decided to buy it and it has changed my world. How did it changed my world is that I wasn't alone that even someone as beautiful as she is can have the lifestyle I had. So I decided to pay it forward and tell my story like she did and she's helped countless people. So I wanted to thank Christi Paul for showing me I was not alone.

August 1985 I married my first husband and the only reason I married him was because I got pressured into marriage. I was an alcoholic and sometimes I drink to blackout. I was one of those alcoholics that was the life of the party I was never a mean drunk. And one night I got drunk got raped and got Pregnant. But the funniest thing about it I know exactly what I was doing and I knew what happened. I started going to church shortly after that I had started going when I was 11 and went until I was probably in my 30s. I have strong love for God but unfortunately I didn't have the greatest Christian role model of my life. This person was verbally abusive and one day I got to encourage to confront her and got slapped in the face. I learned at 11 years old that you don't confront you accept. It was weird I never understood one thing how she stand at the pulpit and profess about God's love while making me feel unimportant, unloved, confused. I was wondered if God to love me because I always felt he was never there. I was always told as a kid to shut my mouth and when I turned 18 then I have opinions. Every time I should do something she would criticize the way did it being yelled at and put down all the time. My self-image was nonexistent and I never to this day understood my value.

Getting back to getting married in 1985 by senior year in high school I was 18 and was forced to get married. It make certain people my life look bad to be an alcoholic and pregnant so was forced to marry this guy. I didn't want that to be married and after a month lost the baby. The first two years were okay and we came to an understanding that we needed an open marriage. I was forced to marry my rapist and honestly I hated him. I stay married to him until I was 29 years old. I decided to get sober I was 28 and I was having a struggle with. I knew I couldn't live that way anymore and a knew I was die. So I try to get sober and 1996 I tried to get sober and failed. 1997 I finally got sober and 44 days into my sobriety my husband died. I used his death as a reminder that this disease to take me at anytime. I have been sober for 15 years on July 13 is the day I changed my life.

On September 1, 1999 I met someone named Brian from friends we hung out as friends with group of other people. We went to convention in Vegas and jokingly "he said I think we should get married". Wow, I said really, be that we never had a date and you want to get married. Besides telling me you really do want to be alone anymore do you? Started telling me things like you and I love you and I want to be with you. So got married at first it was great. At the time I was living in Chicago working on my dad's law firm I haven't finished law school and I was stressing out over taking the bar in Illinois. My dad tutored me and did bar review courses and pass on the first try. My husband wanted to move to California, and I was up there since seven years old and went home to help my dad. Till my parents moved back out here and open an law office here. I went to UCLA to finish school I changed majors from law to psychology. I went as far as a PhD and went to medical school, to become a psychiatrist. I went in with this nagging feeling was who was I? How far from the dream had I lost. I wondered how come I can never look at myself in the mirror? Where did I learn to settle and allow myself to only be a shell of a person. A person who never questioned anything, never stood up for herself, never saw my value.

When I first went to law school and graduated in practice in Chicago my dad would tell me with your temperament, stupidity, and unable to think of my feet got to wind up in jail on contempt charges. No matter what I am a Midwestern girl with mid western values. Never understood that I never showed I had any emotions and I gained a nickname called the ice Queen. I never cried, I never yelled, I was a broken person by the time I was 5 years old. Growing up I felt unwanted, unloved, and worthless so what does someone like that what do they do they drink. I had friends that was a drug dealers but never take any drugs. Thanks that to the nurse when I was three would stab me with needles and made it so terrified of needles that drugs can never be used. Believe or not my friend that was a drug dealer would never let me use of either. I got drunk with my sister and a group of friends. When I drank I liked the feeling of being numb and feeling of being that person that can joke around and play like normal people. I was never a bad Drunk until the end. While 15 years ago I got sober and finally I'm figuring out yet who I am.

Let's talk about marriage number two:
at first it was good he was really nice loving and kind. We had so much fun in the first two years this like I never got to laugh at myself and just laughed. When my dad died he was a big source of strength. Wow, out of the blue he started yelling at me and started calling me names. Boy it got ugly fast and I was worried about my safety. But oh so being used to being talked to this way that it was normal to me and I never understood that this wasn't normal. And I never understood that this was wrong and the more hurtful words were the more I was losing myself. It retreated into this world where there was something wrong with me all the time and that I was the problem.

That broken five-year-old Coming back and I See myself curled up in a ball in a corner somewhere in the closet hiding like it did when I was a kid. I remember as a child going to church and how that feeling of if I don't go, God will never love me. I remember a few times sitting at the beach looking at the waves reaching out for God that I always felt was never there. Remember I said I had some bad Christian role models and I love my family by learn to love them from a distance. I remember when I tried to be call my sister and we started talking again my husband wanted nothing to do with that started sabotaging that and I lost my sister forever. I calling my mother crying how do I find my faith? How do I find a loving God and how do I know God loves me? She yelled at me, without listening to what I had to say, lectured me about coming back to church. I stopped her and asked her how I go to a church that is caused some much pain, judgment and confusion. When things started getting really bad I want to leave one thing I do believe in is when you get married you get your married for life. You stick it out because you made a vow for better or for worse sickness and health death do us part and I believed that's what I was going to do.

I was getting ready to take the California bar exam for the first time but my husband told me I was just another dumb blonde that was spoiled by daddy and that there is no way I had the intelligence to pass. I passed Illinois bar on the first try granted Illinois and Michigan bar exam is way easier than California. At first two times I took the California bar exam and as you guessed it I failed. It took me 16 years to try again because I was convinced every day I was just another dumb blonde. Things started getting really bad after that. He never got violent he never punch walls all he did was yell. I'm a faithful wife and he started calling me really horrible names. And never cheated on any of my husband's but yet Brian accused me on a daily basis with cheating on him. He would call me a slut,whore, and he kept telling me I don't love you and I want a divorce. He would say things like the biggest mistake I made was marrying you. He was say a bunch of hurtful things and happen every night I left him for the first time. Then I found I was pregnant and he promised to change and that he would get counseling whatever it took. So I came back and move back in nothing really changed. Yelling That The baby wasn't his and that I messed around started yelling at me who was the father? That night was four months pregnant he got mad at me yelling at me through something at me and hit me right in the stomach that cause me to miscarry. Somehow I convinced myself it was an accident that he never meant to hurt me or our baby. He realized he totally messed up and started treating me really nice again for another two years. 16 years later I took the California bar exam again and failed miserably. Boy he let me know that I was just another dumb blonde and that why do I have to act like smarter than I am. I started getting more involved in the legal system watching court trials on Court TV,Tru-tv in session,HLN court cases, watching shows like Nancy Grace and Jane Velez-Mitchell. Then I started watching more HLN all day it started with the Casey Anthony trial, and it ended with the McNeil trial. I was a started watching in session every day. CNN sitting in my room watching the show before the Jody Arias and this lady gets on it since talking about emotional abuse it is Kyra Phillips and there was Christi. I heard her talking about what happened her in her all of a sudden I can relate. I noticed I was watching that show more to the point of DVR to show. A started following the women from HLN on Facebook than on twitter should post these incredible quotes every day that just inspired and that I shared with my friends on Facebook. I started channel surfing when I get bored I just start going from 100 CNN all way down to channel 2 see what's on. Came across someone else talking about emotional abuse and all the sudden there she is talking about once again her experience and her book that she just wrote. Two years went by things got really ugly home and I've tried to rationalize it really believing it was all my fault I did something to anger him and that this is what it is. I started flicking stations as always this day was different Dr. Phil, I never watch him the show on emotional abuse I was thinking what the heck. By this time doing my internship at the hospital as psychologist and in a group session the girls was talking about emotional abuse. I kept thinking about the hell why does this keep coming up? Why is this topic bugging me so much and why does it feel like a dagger plunged into my chest?

I filled out the papers for divorced three years ago but never filed them. Like I said marriage was sacred and I was going do whatever I had to do make it work even though it wasn't working. I decided I wanted out wasn't going to listen to anyone about staying I made plans to open up a separate checking account deposit my checks into that account. Looking for an apartment, the just passed bar exam in California was needed at the time. Now I have more income the possibilities and when the time is right I can leave. On Thursday night he totally flipped out and started screaming and hollering at me every dirty name in the book this time it was like I was tired of it. I found myself running to the closet to hide from his insults till he calms be down and went to sleep on the couch. It was safe and went to bed. Now now it's 3 AM he walks in tear off the blanket and started to yell at me again but this was different. I was able to get away from him and he grabbed my arm and twisted it up to this point there was no violence. To the point where you left marks on my arm and I was sitting there because he threw me on the floor thinking how to get this far. Up at this point and never ever wanted to get out of my marriage but its so time. His brother called in to set up golf and I know they go is gone for at least six hours.

I called my son and asked him do you still have that truck he said yes. I told him he what time can you be here and he said whenever he said why? I said I'm leaving a need to pack my stuff and thinking about what both sons brought their trucks and boxes, totes and whatever they could find to pack whatever I decided to take with me. So as I will packing and looked around the house decided to take my photo albums and clothes with me. I decided he can have the rest I just wanted out as a couple things I took it meant a lot to make it I knew he would break them. But for the most part I was willing to leave everything else behind. On the kitchen table I left a note on underneath the note was the divorce papers I told him to sign the damn things in the note said I'm done being your whipping board. When I called my mom to tell her I left she gave a lecture about how God was going to punish me for divorcing my husband. Call my sister and I talked to her about everything and then one day he sent her a nasty email on my Facebook account and she thought it was me and we haven't spoken since. Why in the hell would I write a nasty email to anybody especially my family and it changed everything about me it changed about everything about God, if I didn't believe in God I never would. On Friday my son and I went to the beach if you know me all my major decisions are made at the beach. There is a bench I sit on looking at the Queen Mary listened to the waves just thinking. All those questions I've had all these years, did I do the right thing, but can happen with me, is there really a God, and a whole bunch of the questions. My son was sitting next to me so quiet and asked him do you believe in God? He paused, said yes and how can you be sure? He said mom put your head back and close your eyes and listen. Listen to the waves there talking to you in the waves are the voice of God. He said look up there was 1 million stars out that night and he said who made them? Then he said look at the water I said okay that water has the power to let you live let you die. That water can sustain your life and quench your thirst who made it? But next to us was a tree this had a plaque next to it that said it was over 100 years old and the first planted in Long Beach. My son said look at the tree and it looked at the tree and he said that she has a power of life and death right now. I said how Because being old is easily just crush us to death instead its leaves shade us from the sun. It's as if you look around God is everywhere and is trying to talk to us do everything around us and I sat there amazed to see such a profound thing from my son.

Finally got that feeling of freedom starting to find my self worth, fighting the courage to see things the way they are and making changes. Realizing I am not alone has made a big difference. I began realize God's been in this whole situation this whole time because the last two years the topic of emotional abuse has been all around me. Today I'm seeking counseling to work on these issues and trying to build my self-esteem. Still have are to look at an the person in the mirror was a familiar I still have hard time with my daily affirmations according my therapist says. As a psychologist or required by California to do 40 hours of therapy first of all I have a good counselor that helps me with the crap out so that I don't walk around with someone Else's baggage with me not realizing those carrying my own package of crap with me as well as my fathers and mothers and the rest of my family to. The inner child that five-year-old in a child's screaming out for me to heal it is screaming out to me that make it better but most of all was in the amount used to make the state make it feel safe and not put myself in that kind of situations. Saturday was really crazy I left on Friday and Saturday he was nuts because he called every 15 minutes. He came to my work's screaming and hollering at me to vandalize my car. He said "I'll never let you go and it will do whatever it takes to get you back". I don't think so, this time is different and don't need him to validate me, because he doesn't validate anything but my insecurities, and builds on my lack of self-esteem. The last straw was when he turned violent I have no one emotional dump of physical punching bag. Last night I finally turned on that inner psychologist and started seeing thing they way it was.

I never wanted to admit that maybe he was cheating or drinking. I started to see that the only reason why he insisted on me cheating because he was cheating himself and felt guilty. His guilt was taking over his mind then I realized that I am minimizing again. I have master the art of minimizing my whole life. No wonder why my patients couldn't relate to me because I was total denial of everything. What a true realization now where do I go from here? Its rebuilding time for me, time to figure out who I am, show some real emotions. I was sitting in group this morning and I was talking about this blog I intended to write like always I have intentions with no actions that's why I am doing this now. I just can't sleep not because he's not next to me but because for the first time he's not coming back. I began to cry tonight and discovered I was human after. The question I keep asking myself is how could I have lived like that? Honestly I don't feel free yet because the wounds are just to deep and fresh,When I was 16 years old I was confronted in Sunday School, I couldn't understand when I walked in the class there was just T.M. and no one else. She locked the door and told me to spill what's going on with me. I didn't want to say anything but I trust this women with everything I had so I started to spill everything about years of child molestation. She grabbed me and just held me because she understood why I was afraid of the dark but could hide in closets. My best friend's father and my cousin was molesting me for years. When I first got sober my cousin would call to apologizes for molesting me it took my sponsor to explain to what he was doing was hurting me more. I went to T.M. house that night crying asking her why. Years later I got really hurt with T.M. and walked away from her never talked to her again. The pattern in my life how could someone I loved so much hurt me so much I would retreat. I found her daughter on Facebook and got her phone number but with my husband sending out nasty emails she dropped me after she gave me her number.

I encourage you to get help, and encourage you to get out, I encourage you to read whatever books you need to help build and build your self-esteem a lot of good ones one of them is the book by Christi Paul, "love shouldn't hurt it" courage to heal, The open door all great book, there's other books out there, it's okay to lean on family and friends for support but most will get a good therapist that can guide you back some mental health and what is the key behavior not okay behavior.